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01
[AB] … wi his fule black
face, and he'll look for met, at's ??
And he'll fudge, and pech and grunt and black,
Like a bear fen it's belly's sair,
He'll hae tae be daein wi a potted heid,
Though it's nae jist ower sae ???
Anither tattie or twa did ye say?
Na, I hiv jist sic a thing at's peeled,
It's a gey sair fecht, and it's true eneuch;
The world's ill-fated for some o us.
It's time ye wis getting a shottie noo
For guid ??? fiddle ???
Jock ??? needs a cran or twa,
But yer father's offerin them twenty.
Hing in noo quine, rin for fillet steak;
Be sure ma quine I need it plenty.
And ye'll sort it richt wi a fine fresh egg,
And a bonny hamemade chip,
And ye'd better cry tae for a currant daud,
For he disnae get at on the shift.
Is there plenty o water het noo, quine?
??? scale and sa't,
If he starts tae sing like a ???
Jeez, disnae say it's a fau't.
He's a richt smairt man, yer father, quine,
There's few in the close tae beat him,
I think I'll put on ma Sunday hat,
And ging doon the stairs tae meet him.
At's typical of the way, o the fisherman life.
It's a shame, but typical.
02
[AB] 'Kirsty'
Her mither wis a guttin quine at vrocht wi Sandy
Wid,
Her father wis a canny soul, an a' he ever did
Wis scutter oot an in at hame wi twa-three string a line[?]
An gey sair-made they were at times, tae please their Kirsty
quine.
Twis 'Kirsty' this, and 'Kirsty' that, and 'Kirsty's
needin sheen,'
Ah Kirsty's darlin sheenickies maun come fae Aiberdeen,
It ivver a sark upon her back wis sent for hine-awa,
Cause common dabs fae Peterheid jist widnae dae ava.
Her brithers could rin barfit, as they plowtered
doon the brae,
Bit Kirsty aye nott fancy gear tae hap her ten'er taes.
The loons, like a' the ither loons, hid patches on their docks,
But never smudge nor patch wis seen on Kirsty's bonny frocks.
In course o time, they a' grew up, the loons
they saucht the sea,
But Kirsty she did nethin, like a deem o high degree,
A silly gypit craiter, needin a'thin on a plate,
The siller at wis spent on her wis sairer not for maet.
She widnae gut a herrin, an a mask she couldnae
shoe,
For Kirsty wis a lady, and she thocht her bleed wis blue,
Her satin hands were ower fine tae blad wi nets or fish,
But jist give her a dunt for puttin dahlias in a dish.
She mairriet, twa-three summers back, a quaet,
decent chiel,
He's nivver aff the watter an I hear he's daein weel,
He'll need tae keep the shippie gan, tae ply his Kirsty quine,
Wi her sets o Doulton idols and the gran formica shrine.
She sort ye tae yer supper, well I'm sure ye'll
get a feed,
Ye'll spend a pleasant evenin lass, but dinnae loss the heid.
An mention in e bygang, twid be naisty if ye did,
At her mither wis a guttin quine fa vrocht wi Sandy Wid.
[Applause.]
03
[Chuddy] Music plays, Dougie MacLean, Dougie MacLean song.
Basically it's the original, Scottish youth, and it's ???
for their ancestor's selling them down the river, think that's
what it's about anyway.
In darkness we do what we can,
In daylight we're oblivion,
Our hearts so raw and clear,
Are turning away, turning away from here.
On the water we have walked, like the fearless
child,
What was fastened we've unlocked, revealing wondrous wild,
And in search of confirmation, we have jumped into the fire,
And scrambled with our burning feet through uncontrolled desire.
And in darkness we do what we can,
An daylight we're oblivion,
Our hearts so raw and clear,
Are turning away, turning away from here.
There's a well upon the hill from our ancient
past,
It's an age standing holding firm and fast,
But there's those who want to change it and to carve it into
stone,
But words cannot extinguish it however hard they're thrown.
In darkness we do what we can
In daylight we're oblivion,
Our hearts so raw and clear,
Are turning away, turning away from here.
On Loch Etive they have worked with their highland
dreams,
By Kilchrenan they have nourished in the mountain streams,
But in searching for recognition they have given it away,
Only the children of their children know the price they had
to pay.
And in darkness we do what we can,
In daylight we're oblivion,
Our hearts so raw and clear,
Are turning away, turning away from here.
[Applause.]
04
[Chuddy] Try and learn that
one for Friday! 'Drinking Tonight'
??? it's how do you do
Drinking whisky and telling my ??
???
All of my brothers I've met on the way,
They'll be drinking by night,
They'll be drinking by day,
Restore to my eyes ???,
Honey take me out drinking tonight,
Ohh, take me out drinking tonight.
?? and matches is laid on the table,
The sweet smell of roses ???,
Whisper to ?? that you'll be my ruin.
All of my brothers I've met on the way,
They'll be drinking by night,
They'll be drinking by day,
Restore to my eyes ???,
Honey take me out drinking tonight,
Ohh, take me out drinking tonight.
There's ??? stains on a table,
???
If it was left up to you I know what you'd do,
Honey take me out drinking tonight,
Ohh, take me out drinking tonight.
All of my brothers I've met on the way,
They were drinking by night, they were drinking by day.
Restore to my eyes ???,
Honey take me out drinking tonight,
Ooo, take me out drinking tonight,
Honey now take me out drinking tonight.
[Applause.]
05
[Scott Thompson] 'The Pear
Tree'
Twa young lads belongin to this nation,
Forfar wis their destination,
Went oot one night as I have told, for to have a midnight
stroll.
There's a wee chorus,
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
So I want everybody to sing that bit right!
We'll run through it again
On their way they spied a pear tree,
Far pears they grew as fine as could be,
And tae this pear tree they felt inclined,
So up this pear tree they did climb.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
Up this pear tree we were landed,
Up this pear tree we were stranded,
Twas no the pears that caught wir ee,
Twas a lass and a laddie lyin in a low the tree.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
So this young man began to embrace her,
This young man began to unlace her,
Put doon his coat to save her goon,
Fan all the pears came a-rummelin doon.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
Now this young man gazed up in wonder,
We pelted doon the pears like thunder,
He picked up his lass and awa did flee,
And he left his coat lyin in alow tree.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
Now the owner o the coat we did enquire,
The owner o the coat wis oor desire,
But the owner o the coat was nivver found out,
So we got a bloody fine coat for nowt.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
There's a' ye lads and lassies fa'er they may
be,
Never do a courtin unnerneath a pear tree,
For if ye dae ye'll hear a soun,
When all the pears come a-rummelin down.
Wi a hidum, hodum, tumma-lika-daisy, tumma-lika-daisy,
wi a tumma-lumma-lo.
[Applause.]
06
[Scott Thompson] Right,
I've had a special request, I'm not going to bore ye's. Do
this first. Right John your song, your song just to keep you
happy, okay! Special request by John. 'Streets of London'
Have you seen the old man,
In the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers with his worn out shoes,
In his eyes you see no pride,
Hands held loosely by his side,
Yesterday's paper, yesterday's news.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine.
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the streets of London,
I'll show you something to make you change your mind.
Have you seen the old dear,
Who walks the streets of London,
Dirt in her hair and her clothes are in rags.
Got no time for talking,
She just keeps right on walking,
Carrying her home in two carrier bags.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine.
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the streets of London,
I'll show you something to make you change your mind.
In an all night cafe at quarter past eleven,
The same old man sitting there on his own,
Looking at the world over the rim of his teacup,
Each tea lasts an hour, and he wanders home alone.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine.
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the streets of London,
I'll show you something to make you change your mind.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine.
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the streets of London,
I'll show you something that'll make you change your mind.
[Applause.]
07
[Guitar, flute play.]
[Applause.]
08
[Banjo plays.]
[Applause.]
09
[Guitar, banjo, flute play
together.]
10
['The Whistling Gypsy.']
Oh, the whistling gypsy came over the hill,
Down by the river so shady,
He whistled and sang till the greenwoods rang,
And he won the heart of a lady.
Ah-de-do, ah-de-do-da-day,
Ah-de-do, ah-de-day-ee,
He whistled and he sang till the greenwoods rang,
And he won the heart of a lady.
He is no gypsy, my father, she said,
The lord of these valleys all over,
And I will stay till my dying day,
With my whistling gypsy rover.
Ah-de-do, ah-de-do-da-day,
Ah-de-do, ah-de-day-ee,
He whistled and he sang till the greenwoods rang,
And he won the heart of a lady.
Ah-de-do, ah-de-do-da-day,
Ah-de-do, ah-de-day-ee,
He whistled and he sang till the greenwoods rang,
And he won the heart of a lady.
[Applause.]
11
[??] As
a country and western singer, I thought I'd write a folk song
and I've never tried writing a folk song before, so about
half an hour ago I went through the bar and got hold of a
piece of paper and sat down and wrote this one. I used to
live out at Blackhills, so I thought always being the romantic
type I thought about the lads who used to work out on the
farm many, many years ago. And they have a name for the lad
who works on the farm who does all the menial jobs and they
call him the 'orra loon.
It's to an old traditional tune, so you probably know the
tune.
When'er this lang, lang day is ower,
And all the orra work is daen,
I'll see my lass sae far awa,
Sae far awa, in Aberdeen.
Tis mony year for have I toiled,
A' in the ploo and harrow too,
But yet alas I hivnae made,
Tae mak ma brose nor suit ma ???.
It's oot at Blackhills that I bide,
And fee'd am I tae auld McBride,
Though siller's scarce and ???,
I ne'er a lass ???.
Oh I maun gang tae the Aikey Brae,
Where ??? ,
I'll find a lass wha'll be my ain,
And I will leave the orra loon.
And I will leave the orra loon.
[Applause.]
12
[AB] 'Nae the Same.'
Is folk ??? at the shore the day,
Man he wis uncolike and grey,
Dightin aboot like a half-shut knife,
And goin oot at the ills o life.
Things is nae the same, says he,
Nae the same as they used tae be,
Gardenin's sair at the wintery blast,
Minin on paradise lang, lang past.
?? dryin on the sunny braes,
The bleachin greens and the spotless claes,
The wither's nae the same says he,
Nae sae fine as it used tae be,
And look at the fearsome price a coal,
It's mair than the pension's fit tae thole.
And lord I near gan through the reef,
Fan I heard the price o a pun o beef,
Things is the nae the same says he,
Nae sae chaep as they used tae be.
And fit div ye get fae the doctor chiels,
A line for a pucklie o fancy peels,
Yalla eens if ye canna sleep,
Pink if yer shart tail cracks like a wheep.
Medicine's nae the same, says he,
A mixter's a thing ye nivver see.
He ranted on till ma heid wis sair,
A ?? I couldnae thole nae mair.
Yer awa says he, I'm awa, says I,
But I'll tell ye this in the passin by,
Wi a ?? or mair, ye're jist like me,
Nae sae young as you used tae be.
13
[AB] 'Pan Loaf'
There are among us those who feign, wid treat
with scorn and great disdain
And gaein the slightest chance wid haen the Doric phrase.
Tae hear them spik ye'd think that they were born five hunner
miles away
Instead atween Burnhaven Bay and Dougie's[?] Braes.
They think it impolite to say, when freen meets
freen,
Fit like the day! Oh no, that's not the proper way.
It's 'How do you do'! But phrases sic as oors they scoff,
They toss their heids and spit pan loaf.
They dinna host, oh no they cough,
Their bluid is blue, but drap a hammer on their feet,
Or stick a needle in their seat, ye'll get the Doric,
Pure and sweet, aye rich and rare.
If they were richt they'd need nae shock,
Tae gar them spik like Buchan folk,
They widnae be the lauchin stock,
But noo they are.
14
[AB] 'Elephant
Stew'
Ingredients:
1 elephant, two rabbits, six onions, four carrots,
water, seasoning. Cut elephant into bite size pieces. Cook
for four days 485 degrees Fahrenheit. Add onions, carrots
and seasoning during the fourth day. This serves 3800 people.
If unexpected visitors arrive, you may need to add the rabbits.
But don't do so unless it is absolutely necessary, as most
people don't like hare [groans] in their stew.
15
[AB] Is een is 'Dumplings
á la Sherko'
30 live young frogs, 30 dumplings, water and
seasoning to taste. Only use very young frogs which come from
??, Shenzin, China. Three days prior to preparing this dish,
purge live frogs in tank with fresh running water. One hour
prior to serving place two gallons of water and seasoning
into a five gallon soup pot. Add live frogs and cover with
lid. Place over low heat and gradually increase temperature.
It is imperative to check periodically that the frogs remain
active and happy. When water temperature reaches 100 degrees,
add frozen dumplings. The frogs will immediately grab the
cold dumplings. It is most important that the dumplings be
not larger than the frogs. Increase heat and cook at rolling
boil for 5 minutes. Immediately remove from heat, wait for
five minutes before removing lid to ensure that the flavour
of the frog penetrates each dumpling. Remove the dumplings
and frogs with slotted spoon. Fry loose and discard the frogs.
Serve dumplings with favourite sauce. When using this ancient
recipe make certain that each frog has a dumpling.
16
[AB] 'How
to prepare a husband'
A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by
mismanagement. It should not to be supposed that any husband
will be tender or well managed should he constantly be kept
in hot water or frozen by carelessness or indifference. He
should not be kept in a stew by irritating ways and words.
He should not be kept in a pickle. Be sure to select your
husband personally as tastes differ. Do not go to the market
place to find one as the best ones are always brought to your
door. It is better to have none, unless you are willing to
patiently learn how to prepare him. A hearth of the finest
porcelain is the best, however if you have nothing but an
earthenware pot it will do. See that the linen in which you
wrap him is nicely washed and mended with the required number
of buttons and strings nicely sewn up. Bind him in your heart
with a strong cord called comfort, as the one called duty
is apt to be weak. Husbands are apt to fly away from the hearth
and be burned and crispy about the ages, since like crabs
and lobsters they must be prepared while alive. Make a clear
steady fire out of love, neatness and cheerfulness. Set him
as near this fire as seems to agree with him. If he splutters
and fizzes do not be anxious. Some husbands do this until
they are quite well prepared. Add a little sugar in the form
which confectioners call kisses. But do not apply vinegar
or pickle. A little spice will improve him, but it must be
used with judgement. Do not jab him sharply, that will not
make him tender. Stir him gently all the while lest he lie
too flat and close to the hearth and so become useless.
[Applause.]
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